I was never a big “fan” or user of porn at any time in my life. But recently something has adjusted or changed inside me about it.
For the most part porn was always kind of “there” just hanging around the edges of things. I might have passed a movie rental store, seen something porn-like in a movie or on a poster, given it glance, and then moved on.
But that was mostly in my MAB life. Porn was just visual stuff for dudes to get off on. I was neither “pro” porn, or “against” it, either. I just didn’t have an opinion one way or another. I had never read anything or lived anything that might have given me pause to actually LOOK at porn, what it is, why it is, and come to some kind of decision, one way or another, on it’s value or morality.
But I won’t say that at no time in my MAB life did I not hear a tiny voice in my guts that was whispering one word in judgment of the entire pRonZ thing.
The word was exploitation.
What could I do about it though? Nothing really. Porn is an institution it seems. Since I was never a major consumer of it, I simply didn’t care or think that I should care. I had always felt that, that was the way world was. It’s how things ARE. Porn just IS. Dudes just want to FAP to it, wtf is the big deal?
I state that just to show that I understand your average Joe Blow’s rationale for saying. “What’s wrong with my porn? What are you, a prude? Who cares how I get off? It’s JUST PORN.
But it’s not JUST porn.
When I was in the s-w scene, I saw a lot MORE porn. Tons of porn. And it seemed like Porn had a natural place in the adult sex and entertainment industry. Porn was like an appetizer for the main course, or something. It was always there, and I sort of tuned it out, because it was everywhere.
Then eventually I got out of the scene. Life went on. I moved on to other projects. Years went by. I finally got a chance at trying my hand at using some of my real skills. I wanted to study. I wanted to get a lost education. An education that I missed out on in my teens and twenties. And then I wanted to write about what I read.
So I read books, and blogs, and articles and have been reading, learning and trying hard to listen and see, (even though I mess this up, still!)
As many of my readers know full well, the last couple months has been a kind of crash-course in feminism for me. Some of that reading I’ve been absorbing has to do with porn and the pornifaction of women’s bodies. There is a structure there, that spells out a kind of epidemic of sorts.
It happened relatively recently. I guess it was kind of building, after having been Silent All These Years. A kind of anger that I could not put my finger on until recently.
I’ve been living my life as a woman, as a faux-fab, for some number of years now. I have been trying my best to assimilate myself as a woman all that time. I have been inhabiting a female-like body that I have come to love and to own.
My own self. Own myself. Own my body. Own Me. My own self. My body.
Not just barely the other week, I was doing errands “downtown” when I passed through a shady (and low-rent) urban zone which has all kinds of adult novelty, adult video and live adult entertainment going on, almost twenty-four hours a day.
As I passed some of these stores I saw dudes doing what dudes do. Browsing porn. Buying porn. And I know that ultimately, these guys are going to end up fapping to this porn.
In the interests of humility, and to set up my next statements, let me just say that I am no model. I don’t have a big head about my appearance. It is highly unlikely I am going to end up on the cover of a fashion or women’s magazine. I would say I am about average-looking and lucky to be so.
But that does not stop me from feeling like porn is a Stand In for a woman. It could be any woman. If he likes fapping to blondes, then porn featuring blonde females is likely to be part of it. But an image of a blonde woman, a two-dimensional surrogate, is still a stand-in for a real woman. A woman born woman with a female body. A body that this Dude COVETS for the sake of GETTING OFF.
GETTING OFF in this case means, using her. Using her image, holding her in place, possessing her body, even an image of one, to USE whenever or however he wants to. Then to put her image, her paper or plastic body away, in his man-storage place that all menz hide their pron stash in, for her to chill out between the pages until he WANTS to USE her AGAIN.
I have been inhabiting my body, and psychologically/emotionally passing as a faux-female long enough for me to see myself, my feminized body being used in porn. I have lived the experience of being invisibly undressed by a guy, as he no doubt pornified me through my clothing, wondered what I might look like naked, and if he would want to “hit it” with his dick.
I see men who view porn as wanting to briefly possess a female body and person. A tame and voiceless woman who will open her holes up to him and let him, “bust a nut” in one, or on her. When I see a guy viewing porn I see a guy who wants to possess me simply for the purpose of using, stuffing and coming in, me. A guy who would (if I looked like his dream date) no doubt take my image and covet me and fap to me until he grew bored of using me, and moved onto another image of a woman he wants to possess.
Then it was that I realized that men can rape you, with their eyes. And that I had been visually raped before. Lots. And that men who view and fap to porn, are using these stand-in surrogate two-dimensional women in order to take them and use them and rape them. You might even call it “training” for the real (physical) deal.
An image of a woman has no consent, can not give permission, can not say “no, not now.” She is just used for a cheap and temporary animalistic sexual thrill. When a guy looks at me with a certain scanning, dare I say “probing” stare, I can feel that he is using my body even from five or ten feet away, for a temporary mental thrill. And that makes me feel like I am his porn, and that he is trying to possess and mentally penetrate me, if only until he psychically “comes”.
All this has changed my feeling about, nay, polarized my feelings about porn and my body, because I am now sensitized to how my (faux) female body is something that men visually covet and want to control for the purpose of unwanted and unasked for psychic (or physical) PIV.
That is one thing porn does to dudes who consume enough of it. They see us women as two-dimensional objects to control, masturbate to, and ultimately come on (all without our informed consent). Until the next time.
Originally published in 2011